Camera Experiments

I went out to a park in Los Angeles up in the hills originally to test out my new Canon 60D photographing skaters in a small skate park, but as usual reverted to abstracting my surroundings.  All of these images were created solely in camera, with only some minor color adjustments in Lightroom.  No filters or composite layering of any kind were used to create the images.  It truly is amazing what long exposures and inducing camera flaws can produce!

Never Let Me Go

Looking up from underneath,

Fractured moonlight on the sea,

Reflections still look the same to me

As before I went under.

This is a song by one of my favorite artists, Florence Welch, from her Ceremonials album.  It is hard to put into words exactly what goes through me when I listen to this, but I will do my best.  As with all my artwork, this piece is tied to a place and a time, and, where before I focused on my past, my present is now pronounced and all-consuming.

As many of you know, I moved to LA after graduating from A&M and have been looking for a job.  Coming up on 10 years now I have been studying, training, and refining my skills so that I may one day have a career in making animated films.  My eye has never strayed from this goal; it has given me focus, direction, and stability in the way that a dancer focuses on a distant point to maintain balance as they flow through their frenetic performances.  But, if you spend too much time staring at something, you can begin to lose clarity in the world around you, and the subject of your gaze imprints itself so that no matter where else you may look a specter of it remains.  It is in this way, I fear, that the pursuit of my ambition has tainted my perspective and I can no longer see as clearly as I once could.  Now, at a point in my journey where the ability to control my advancement is hindered, I find myself completely disoriented.  There is no more schooling to provide sustenance or guidance for my trajectory, short term though it may have been, and I have discovered that achieving my dream is different and more complicated than I had known.  I feel almost as if I am flailing, trying to remember the choreography but unable to decipher the rhythm that had once given me purpose.  However, though my steps may be faltering, I am forced to acknowledge existence outside of my goals and maybe even the possibilities of writing another tune, or at least one that is slightly different, to align my dance to.

And it's peaceful in the deep

Cathedral where you cannot breathe.

No need to pray, no need to speak,

Now I am under.

My fear, at the moment, is that if I never am able to achieve finding a job at a studio, will I be able to put myself back together and live freely like I did at the beginning of my journey?  Can I surrender myself to the will of whatever force determines the fate of the universe and find happiness?  This is where the song comes in.  Most people think it's about suicide, the literal story of the artist surrendering her life to the ocean and finally finding peace as she dies.  I strongly disagree with this interpretation.  It does feel as if it's a surrender, though, not of life, but to the emotion.  Maybe even to something more ethereal, like fate, or love, or just happiness in general.  

The ocean has always had a very complex meaning in my life, as several defining moments have taken place by waves crashing on shores.  Maybe that's why the song moves me as it does.  This is the type of lyrical and melodic fusion that is to me what religion is to other people.  It harmonizes with my soul and guides me, gives me perspective, and erases the nonsense chatter that fills my head every other waking minute.  What it makes me ask myself is, can I surrender my ambition and just be happy with where life takes me?  To allow myself peace as promised in these words is something I could spend a lifetime trying to achieve, though I am able to on serendipitous occasions.  Once when I was on a ship on the Alaskan ocean, chilled to the bone while watching an endless sunrise, once wandering around at night with a fever through what felt like endless outdoor gardens at a magical Mexican resort, and then again tonight sitting  in the park under the moon painting this picture.   

And now it's breaking over me.

A thousand miles down to the sea bed

I found the place to rest me head.

Never let me go.

There are very few physical of means of describing this emotion, but I can remember doing something as a kid that comes close.  I don't know if any of you out there have done this, but when I used to play in swimming pools I would let myself sink to the bottom and just sit there listening.  There was something very peaceful about the weight of the water around me, the isolation from sound, and the release of the control of my body.  I could lay there suspended, perfectly still, forever if nature would have allowed.  This is how I wish to be able to live my life one day.  To let it wash over me and take me where it will, to surrender my desperate goals and find happiness with the peace.  To find stillness of spirit.  Wherever I may end up.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,

And all this devotion was rushing out of me,

And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me,

But the arms of the ocean delivered me.

Lighting Sketches

There was some cool lighting happening at work today.  There are actually a few times of day where I catch small little snippets of cool lighting around the studio, so I'm going to try and capture them while I'm not working on anything.  Might as well be productive!

Attempt at a new color style

A while ago, my professor posted this artist, Marco Bucci, on our class's website, and I've been dying to give his style a try.  This is a big leap for me, since I tend to work very monochromatic and conservatively with color, and I will admit, being so bold with color choices scared me to death.  I watched his tutorials for a good hour and a half before I felt confident enough to start making marks.  But anyways, this is my first attempt, and even though in the end I started being to naturalistic again, it's a good start to breaking out of my fear of bold colors!

New Website!!

So for anyone out there who hasn't already seen me plastering this all over Facebook, I have a new website with all of my work from my MFA series, along with pricing, size, and medium info.  I'm still going to be posting my casual art stuff here, along with the descriptions of my processes and whatnot, though there may be a bit of a lag while I graduate and figure out what I'm going to be doing with my career.  Here is the link!

R.J.'s new portfolio site

Final MFA Body of Work Piece!!

Carnal Map #4
6.5' x 6.5'

I am happy to announce the completion of my final MFA body of work piece!  It's been an incredible journey that has completely changed the way I view my art, my life, and my past, and I know that it is only the beginning of something even greater.  I plan to have my final show and defense mid-March, location and time TBA, but I will be sure to let everyone know.  Also, if anyone has questions concerning the subject matter or my process, feel free to email me at raymond.penajr@gmail.com and I will be happy to explain!